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Mistaking Failure for Success
Saturday, March 13, 2004
By Bob Goodsell
I
was watching one of the new Bush ads where they're trying to pretend
that somehow things are better because George W. Bush has been our
president for three long horrible years. I suspect that even a lot of
his supporters don't really believe that. There's only one person I
know of who is absolutely sure that things are better, and that's Bush
himself. Given his history, it's easy to see why:
1973
Texas Air National Guard:
Lieutenant Bush--we haven't seen you for months, and you missed your
physical which cost you your flight status (which we paid a lot for, by
the way). Normally, this would be a one-way ticket to Vietnam, but in
your case we're going to give you an honorable discharge eight months
early so you can go skip classes at Harvard business school.
George W. Bush: Off I go, into the crimson yonder...
1986
Harken Execs:
Well, Mr. Bush, your little Spectrum Oil Company has had some rough
times lately. How 'bout we buy it out for much more than it's worth and
give you a place on the Harken board? It pays really well, and you
don't have to do anything.
W: Cool!
Harken Execs: Oh, and say "Hi" to your father the Vice-President for us, won't you?
1990
Harken Execs:
Well, George, we all know Harken stock is going in the tank in a few
months, but because we like you so much, we've arranged a secret buyer
for your stock so you can cash in now while the price is still high. Go
buy a baseball team or something, and say "Hi" to your dad in the White
House, okay?
W: Excellent!
1997
Co-owners of the Texas Rangers:
You know, Governor Bush, we've been glad to have you on our team as
we've grabbed private land at taxpayer expense to build this fancy new
ballpark. Never mind that the Rangers never win anything: your work is
done here. Here's your ownership share in the Rangers back, and an
extra twelve million for being such a swell guy. Don't forget about us
back at the governor's mansion, or if you ever move to a bigger
house--in Washington, say.
W: Awesome! Thanks, guys!
August 2000
Republican Party Leaders:
Well, George, we've paid an ungodly amount of money and slandered a war
hero to buy you the nomination for president, overcoming your obvious
lack of qualifications. Don't you forget who paid to get you here!
W: Don't worry--I love you guys!
December 2000
Supreme Court:
Mr. Bush, since you came in such a close second in the election, we're
awarding you the presidency! Of course, some of us wouldn't be here if
it weren't for your dear old dad--say "Hi" to him, will ya?
W: I love winning elections.
September 2001
American Public:
President Bush, since you happened to be vacationing in Texas while
intelligence about a massive terrorist attack sat on your desk unread,
leading to the worst attack on the American mainland since the Civil
War, we're giving you this gigantic mandate to do whatever insane
things pass through that little mind of yours. Kill, maim, or detain
innocent people anywhere in the world, destroy the constitution,
destroy the environment: whatever you want.
W: God bless America.
November 2002
American Public:
Mr. Bush, in less than two years you have taken a nation that was
wealthy, confident, and at peace, with a budget surplus, and turned it
into one which is struggling, afraid, at war, and broke. Therefore,
we're giving you Republican control of both houses in Congress.
W: Excellent! You ain't seen nothin' yet. Let's roll!
October 2003
Congress:
Mr. President, you lied to us about Saddam Hussein's alleged weapons of
mass destruction and about his alleged connections to al Qaeda.
Hundreds of Americans and thousands of Iraqis are dead as a result, and
we've spent $100 billion that we didn't have to pay for all of this
nonsense. Therefore, we're giving you another $87 billion to waste over
there on Halliburton and Bechtel and to get even more people killed.
W: Uncle Dick will be SO pleased!
2004
Moral
to the story: Nothing succeeds like failure. The man hasn't done
anything right in his entire miserable failure of a life, but he has
been promoted following each screw-up. No wonder he's so confused.
Comments (1)
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Daily Dose |
The "Foot In The Mouth" Award
No hidden microphones involved here. Just Condolezza Rice speaking on NBC News yesterday, while spaniards were gathering at mass funerals:
Terrorists will "win skirmishes," she said, but over all, "the terrorists are losing."
So is Aznar, the spanish premier who went to war alongside Bush against the will of 90% of the spaniards.
After warning Powell and Rumsfeld not to campaign for the boss, perhaps Karl Rove should have a word with Condo as well...
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International |
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The Guardian (liberal), London, England, March 15, 2004. | Victorious Putin Rejects Criticism of Elections
Deutsche Welle (international broadcaster), Cologne, Germany, March 15, 2004. | Israeli Helicopters Strike Gaza
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The News (left-wing), Karachi, Pakistan, March 15, 2004. | Suspected Mercenaries Face Immigration Charges
The Globe and Mail (centrist), Toronto, Canada, March 15, 2004. | Mbeki’s Arms Shipment to Haiti ‘Violated Constitution’
Mail & Guardian (liberal), Johannesburg, South Africa, March 15, 2004. | | News Headlines Powered by www.worldpress.org |
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